8 July 2020 United Kingdom


Newcastle upon Tyne, England - It is 2 in the morning and I am just drowning myself with a tub of chocolate ice cream that I bought on sale in my neighborhood’s local store while watching another rom-com in Netflix. I have been working the night shift the past few weeks. So, I have definitely become a night owl. As I scan through my memories in Facebook, I cringe about a post I made 4 years ago.

I was obviously still hurting when I made the post. Do I regret it? Maybe. In a way, at that time it must have been cathartic to release all the pain that I was feeling inside. But I apologize for how childish it was. As I grew older and matured emotionally, I realized that I had the tendency to make him need me so he will not leave me. It took me a while to realize how I may have probably made him feel while we were together. In my mind, we were rock solid and no one or nothing can ever come between us. Surprise, surprise, I was completely wrong. The “it’s not you, it’s me!” “I love you, but…” were just probably his easy way out from the situation we were in. However, it would be unfair to put all the blame on him. Although he cheated on me, I guess I may have cheated on him too…emotionally. I was too busy becoming the perfect boyfriend that I forgot what he really needed in the relationship. I wanted him to need me and it felt so good to be always there for him. I wanted to be his strength when he was weak. I wanted to be his ray of sunshine in his darkest days. And I thought I was doing an amazing job at being the perfect partner. But that’s the thing, it became like a job. He was the Yin and I was the Yang. I had to be. Maybe there were times when he wanted me to get mad at him but I was never an angry person - I tend to look at the brighter side of things, that’s just how I have always been. So, even when I confronted him about his affair, I kept my composure. I was always trying to please him by telling him what I thought he wanted to hear, that everything will be alright and that as long as we have each other, we will make it through the bad days when I should have said “Yes, this is a fucked up situation. What do you want to do now?” Instead, I was in auto-pilot mode in trying to fix what was left of the relationship to make everything perfect again. 

I really wanted him to need me so that he will never leave me. But at that point in our relationship, it was not me, who he needed. And I finally realized that the more I tried to fix the relationship, the more I hurt him and myself. After what’s been said and done, I decided to let him go. He was not happy anymore and I can not deny him of his happiness. While it is really painful to look at someone with so much passion and let him go, you owe it to yourself to be with someone who does not only need you, but want you, respect you and love you - the good and more importantly the imperfect you. Don't worry. Love will always find its way to you. If not, you can always go to your local store, grab some ice cream and eat your heart out - that's the closest to love, right? So, what is your favorite flavor? (wink!) 

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